Guilt and a small wrinkle and a rant

Well, there is finally a small wrinkle. Ryan walking back from the bus stop yesterday relayed that today was his first day for math and when asked how it was, replied "terrible." He kept walking, not really bothered and when asked why it was terrible said, "because I can't make 2's". Hmmm. We came inside where I offerred to show him how to make 2's (he's made them before) but the moment had passed.

Last night after they were tucked in, Ryan came downstairs (usually it's Charlotte) and said he wanted to read another library book. When reminded it was a school night, he said he didn't want to go to school. He couldn't tell me why so I just chalked up to stalling and carried him back to bed.

Today, not long after waking, he said he didn't want to go to school because "it's too long." I told him all schools are that long. He said not the Antioch School. I pointed out their day is actually longer starting in first grade too. Then he noticed the time and quickly dressed. He started harrassing me about leaving early because he wanted to be the first one to the stop. I insisted he wait. We heard the other kids and I let him go. He ran down the street with the others. I collected Charlotte and stood on the sidewalk. Ryan had stopped and was walking back and crying. He was upset because the others ran ahead without him and he really didn't want to go to school. After some discussion, I concluded he wasn't upset about running, he was upset he was last. He has to be in front when we ride bikes and when we take walks. So, today he was last. We discussed catching the bus or me dropping me off, but he had to go to school. I walked with him the rest of the way and he calmed down. Soon he was racing the bus up the walk with the other kids. But I noticed as the kids grouped off at the other end of the walk, Ryan stood off outside the group. I wonder how long it will take for him to be in the group. These kids have gone to preschool and K together. I wondered last year when we sent him to K at Antioch.

So today I had guilt. Horrible, am I ruining his life guilt. I also know I am projecting on him because I never really fit into a group until late junior high. I was awkward all that time and so uncomfortable. I really don't fit into a group now either. I am a nurse that never has felt the calling and envy those who embrace it. Nursing for me was a means to an end. I hate my hours and being away from the kids but it has to be done. I am still a half a step off beat. I have found ways to adjust and adapt and tell myself it's okay. I tell myself this is part of what he has to learn in addition to reading and writing and wonder of there is another way to save hime from the pain. I really don't want that for him and wonder what I can do to make it easier.

And of course, I am not as welcome at his school and I miss the easy, warm and embracing culture. This isn't what I want. I have the tools to make do and the strength to take it. My little boy doesn't yet. His tears slay me because the pain isn't from a skinned knee.

The first (half) week

It's Saturday and Greg has taken the kiddos to the park for play and geocaching while I relax. I worked last night and am on for the weekend as well. School starts a week from Monday for me. Greg and I are catching up on DVDs we haven't seen. Vantage point was good as was Charlie Wilson's War. Skip Smart People. War was borderline okay, I just wanted to see Jet Li kick and Jason Stratham.

A few observations:
Charlotte as an only child-She has to be asked to do something about 5 times before she'll do it. I suspect this has always been the case but with her alone with me it is alot more noticeable--and frustrating.

Ryan already wants to walk to and from the bus stop by himself.

He likes buying lunch.

It's a long day with him gone.

He's hugging me more and is overall more affectionate.

Charlotte cannot wait for him to come home so they can play.

Yesterday he asked when wacky Wednesday was and I told him his school doesn't have that. He then related a wacky Wednesday at Antioch where Landon wore underwear around his neck and on his head. And also how he and Landon played together during one of our P/T conferences. It was all very clear in his mind and I think the first twinge of him missing the school. It was sweet to hear him talk about it. And a reminder that he does have a good memory, even when he doesn't talk about stuff.

No homework as yet from school.

He's happy.

His first day

It sounds like he managed his first day well. He made it back on the bus which is always a relief as a few neighbors shared how their children had been misplaced!! He said his teacher taught him a trick to find his classroom, to follow the smiley faces to the 100 hall. He thought that was a hoot. They sent home an agenda, essentially a spiral bound week by week calendar that's specifically designed for his grade level. Each day the teacher puts a comment/sticker in to explain how they behaved. A flyer came home for Cub Scouts too. He said he wants to buy his lunch tomorrow--nachos and cheese, a PB sandwich, carrot sticks, grahams and milk. Ryan also completed a little paper book with reading and coloring. It sounds like they have a special reading initiative where a child is assessed and assigned accordingly to a a group at his level. they can move up when they are ready. Ryan said they didn't play basketball in gym today and his recess was only 10 minutes--they combine it with lunch.

Charlotte received a letter from Ann today, her nursery teacher. She was very happy to get the mail and eager to find the sticker marking her cubby at school that Ann included with the letter. We met Aj and the kids at the rec for some pool time and lunch--an excellent day for it!

An exciting day altogether.

He's off!

Today is the day! Ryan is now at 9:10 (hopefully) in his classroom. Greg and I stayed up too late last night so I set my alarm, also knowing that on days that I need the kids to up on time, they invariably sleep in. Today was no different! The kids are usually up by 7:15--at the latest! Today I woke Ryan up at 7:45. The bus was scheduled to come at 8:25 but we were asked to be there a little early. Ryan was excited on our trip to the bus stop and luckily we weren't the only parents tagging along. The parents all knew each other but I went out of my way to say hello. There are several kids at his stop. I imagine we'll walk him until he asks us not to. He had his lunchbox and backpack. Hopefully someone will be able to help him open his applesauce and yogurt. I'll ask him when he gets home. I will be meeting the bus this afternoon--I can't wait to hear what he has to tell us! Charlotte is sad, on the walk back she started to cry, saying she missed her big brother. So we'll have some time for just us for the next few days.

Today he will be a first grader

In about 8 hours, Ryan will get on a school bus for the first time with his new backpack and lunchbox. He was so excited tonight.I imagine first grade and his new school will be an adventure for some time. He knows he has Phys Ed tomorrow and every Wed and music on Fridays. Also, Friday is pizza day. They have an online meal payment plan so I'll traverse that later.
We met his teacher Monday and Ryan explored the room. He found his hook and had to be pulled away from the books. We turned in the bags of school supplies. I am so excited for him. He is going to learn so much! He really is a little sponge. I have no worries academically--I do wonder how he if he will change being around so many different children. It is my fervent hope he keeps his sweetness and doesn't become the gun toting blowing things up destroy the world boy I meet from time to time.

Anyway, what an adventure for him.

Molly's back

For those of you who knew me in high school, this will bring back memories, for those of you who didn't, well, hopefully a chuckle. I was going back to my hotel room on lunch break and my key didn't work. I went back to the front desk where I told the nice lady my problem. She stared at me for a moment...hmmmmm...and said "Have you ever been told you look like Molly Ringwald?" Shoot me back 15 years! I told her yes, I was frequently told that in my teens especially during my permed bob haircurt phase. How funny to hear it again! Greg still doesn't see the resemblance but cracked up when I told him. I thought it was funny....

Indianapolis

We made it last night around 10 after a 2 + hour drive with potty stops. We reserved a king sized bed with a fold out couch--perfect I thought. the bed is divine, but the kids freaked out on the sofa bed--Greg said they cried after I went down to get another bag out of the car. I think it's because it's covered in crinkly plastic. So the kids And I got the bed, Greg took the sofa bed. Maybe I'll have to take the sofa tonight? I don't think anyone slept that well. Ryan was still up at 0630 after at most 6 hours of sleep--he usually gets 10 or 11. Charlotte said she would get up after her knees woke up, they didn't want her to get out of bed yet!
So I am just out of my conference--latest updats on fetal monitoring--it was pretty good with more to come tomorrow. Greg said he took the kids to the Indy Childrens museum. I am eager to hear about that-- I am waiting for them now.

BTW, after tomorrow I am on vacation from work for a week--Hooray! but not from school. My school break coincides with Ryan starting school and I didn't want to be home with him at school all day. So no plans to go anywhere exotic..just hang with the kids--which will be nice:)