Well, there is finally a small wrinkle. Ryan walking back from the bus stop yesterday relayed that today was his first day for math and when asked how it was, replied "terrible." He kept walking, not really bothered and when asked why it was terrible said, "because I can't make 2's". Hmmm. We came inside where I offerred to show him how to make 2's (he's made them before) but the moment had passed.
Last night after they were tucked in, Ryan came downstairs (usually it's Charlotte) and said he wanted to read another library book. When reminded it was a school night, he said he didn't want to go to school. He couldn't tell me why so I just chalked up to stalling and carried him back to bed.
Today, not long after waking, he said he didn't want to go to school because "it's too long." I told him all schools are that long. He said not the Antioch School. I pointed out their day is actually longer starting in first grade too. Then he noticed the time and quickly dressed. He started harrassing me about leaving early because he wanted to be the first one to the stop. I insisted he wait. We heard the other kids and I let him go. He ran down the street with the others. I collected Charlotte and stood on the sidewalk. Ryan had stopped and was walking back and crying. He was upset because the others ran ahead without him and he really didn't want to go to school. After some discussion, I concluded he wasn't upset about running, he was upset he was last. He has to be in front when we ride bikes and when we take walks. So, today he was last. We discussed catching the bus or me dropping me off, but he had to go to school. I walked with him the rest of the way and he calmed down. Soon he was racing the bus up the walk with the other kids. But I noticed as the kids grouped off at the other end of the walk, Ryan stood off outside the group. I wonder how long it will take for him to be in the group. These kids have gone to preschool and K together. I wondered last year when we sent him to K at Antioch.
So today I had guilt. Horrible, am I ruining his life guilt. I also know I am projecting on him because I never really fit into a group until late junior high. I was awkward all that time and so uncomfortable. I really don't fit into a group now either. I am a nurse that never has felt the calling and envy those who embrace it. Nursing for me was a means to an end. I hate my hours and being away from the kids but it has to be done. I am still a half a step off beat. I have found ways to adjust and adapt and tell myself it's okay. I tell myself this is part of what he has to learn in addition to reading and writing and wonder of there is another way to save hime from the pain. I really don't want that for him and wonder what I can do to make it easier.
And of course, I am not as welcome at his school and I miss the easy, warm and embracing culture. This isn't what I want. I have the tools to make do and the strength to take it. My little boy doesn't yet. His tears slay me because the pain isn't from a skinned knee.
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