Kids and puppy go well together

So every once in a while I catch a snapshot moment, one that I will hold in my mind and heart forever. Today it was two kids playing in the wooded area in a neighbors yard--one of those perfect places for kids to have a hideout-- and running across his expansive lawn. The day is gorgeous, one of those days where the autumn sun is high in the sky and there are barely any clouds. So while my ragamuffin, mismatched clothed children run (Charlotte in a dress, shoes with no socks and Ryan with binoculars for spying pirates), there is a puppy gamboling along beside them with his tail high as he tries to keep up with his playmates. The kids are laughing as they run in the sun; I'm sure the puppy is too.

There are angels

There are indeed angels.

Tuesday morning I fell asleep while driving home from work. On the interstate. I "woke up" as I approached the guard rail to an overpass. I was in the grassy median between northbound and southbound traffic. I swung hard to the right, tried to get control, spun across the three or four lanes of traffic and slammed into the opposite cement wall on the overpass. I didn't hit anyone. No one hit me. The back end of the car rammed the cement wall, not the front. I didn't break anything. I never lost consciousness. I didn't kill anyone.

I did see the cars coming at me as I swung around in that circle and for a moment I prayed, let go of the wheel and closed my eyes. I felt the slam of the car into the wall and waited for others to come as traffic came. None did.

An angel woke me up before I went front first into a guardrail.
Another cleared the way as I fought for control of the car.
Another stopped oncoming drivers.
Another turned the car where I had the most support from flying out of it. The seat jerked back, but I stayed put at least.

I don't know how it was done. I went to the ER by squad in a c-collar and on a backboard. X-rays were negative for breaks. I walked out.

So today I am awed, am still shaky, stiff and sore. And minus a car.

Today I found out I won't be cited for failure to control since I didn't damage anything but myself.

We have our eye on Kia minivan. Which is good. It has enough room for me, a blanket and a pillow. I will never drive while tired again.

Chocolate chip pancakes

My mother in law once asked me why I bothered making chocolate chip pancakes every week for the kids as opposed to other quick fix breakfasts. "They don't appreciate it" she said. I replied, "I know, they'll appreciate it later."

I realize often that this is true. They can't appreciate what I do for them now, they have nothing to compare it to. It's like asking them to appreciate a tree converting carbon dioxide into oxygen. It's a fixture in their lives, like me. I realized not long after I was married that I didn't appreciate a single thing my mother did for me. Not one. It's not that I was an ill-mannered child, but I was her child. She was a fixture in my life, like the walls of our home. She was an awesome cook. She made us a hot breakfast every day until high school when we probably outgrew them. To this day, I remember her giving my brother the first pancake because it was always too greasy for me. I asked her to and she did. She made chocolate chip pancakes the size of dinner plates. I didn't see her as a extremely dissatisfied housewife until I was out on my own. I knew it but was always confused by it. She was Mom--not a person with needs, desires and frustrations (unless it dealt with us wearing our shoes in the house!) We never talked about it. We were never friends.

When my kids see me, what do they see? I am a fixture, a constant in their lives. I am Mom.

I now know what it takes to read a book "just one more time" when I can barely keep my eyes open and am so ready for them to go to bed. They have no idea what it takes. Nor should they. It's not an expectation I have. One day they'll remember--and hopefully make their kids chocolate chip pancakes.

a different life

It is 12:45 and the house is quiet. School for me has started and the kids are in school until a little after 3. I am learning to balance working out, napping, school and errands in the time they are gone. I have kept to working out at Curves 3 times a week for 2 weeks now. And of course, walks with Charlie. While I am learning how to slowly stretch to fill up the time, I am enjoying learning what I can do with it. There is a definite freedom with them in school all day, though I hate the school and the fact they have to go there.

Things I've learned with this time:
Mealplans for the week make life alot smoother and provide excellent leftovers!
How quickly time can go if I fill it up with many errands==drop-off, a trip to the goodwill, workout, walk Charlie and it's already 11:30! So I am spacing that out and am more patient with my productivity
Concentrate on school in the time after working out and before pick-up. Too tired at night and the kids deserve all of my attention when they are home.
Wash my face twice a day--including moisturizer!
Since they are in school, I don't have to work every Friday to cut down on babysitting. I am home 2 out of 4 whole weekends!


While I am enjoying the solitude of days home, night shift is getting harder and harder. I am impatient to switch.

The kids are moving along in school. It isn't what I want for them but there is nothing to be done about it for now. The first few weeks are always hard on me. I grit my teeth alot. Yes, they are fine. But why is fine okay?